The teacher begins. As I turn my attention away from the distractions of the day, I subdue my needs and wants in order to absorb the energy, the ch'i, that he demonstrated. While I watch, I remember when I was first learning the Form: the overwhelming desire, the impatience to progress that took hold of me. "All desires, if not subdued by reason, will lead to strife." My eyes accompany his movement into Grasp Sparrow's Tail, the soothing roundness of the arms and hands, the body's weaving through the air. Ward-off, Roll Back, Press and Push. I learn here to guard against depressions, to yield to others, to perservere towards the goals I set for myself over the days and years, and the power of right thinking.

I find the patterns of life changing, giving up bad habits for good ones. "Investment in Loss"...I try for the selflessness that the philosophy asks for. "You must accept failure many times over and tolerate the bruisings necessary before mastery comes." I must know myself as I really am and not as I think I am. In push hands, if I react in a negative way, I see in myself some flaws that normally stay hidden. "Yield and Overcome" makes itself understandable, and I see how soft and weak can overcome hard and strong.

The teacher moves through the form with grace and discipline. As I watch, I am reminded that life contains the pairs of opposites: birth and death, love and hate, light and dark, east and west, and how they apply to me. I realize that being an observer now, I can meditate on the way t'ai-chi relates to living. As Shakespeare beautifully put it: "The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together."

I am a Weaver, both from my grandfather's name and from my interest and desire to work with spinning and fabrics, tapestry and the loom. I am a weaver of time from my beginning to my conclusion. Mastery in life as with t'ai-chi comes with having faith that after years of study and practice, my technique will become skillful.

The teacher draws back, shifting to the right and turning to the left, meshing the postures and the state of mind, and watching. I too work at shuttles. How can he keep teaching, giving of himself, his time, his affection? "Through selfless action the teacher attains fulfillment."

After Cross Hands, during the moments of meditation, the energy fills me with commitments renewed. I stand, inhaling slowly. I raise my arms upward...

Susan Groen
1985